Sweet 16 baby!!!

That was the lucky number this month. Talk about strong ovulation!! The highest yet. I think 9 was the best I have had so far. Wahoo!!! This is really making me more convinced. I even tested this morning for the sake of peeing on something. Now, I know it is too early to tell but I did it anyways. It was negative but that was expected. Wednesday is my next ultrasound and appt. I don't know if I can handle the wait. Say your prayers, cross your fingers and all crossable parts.

More exciting news; my friend Katie had her little baby boy today!! Parker Michael entered the world! I am over the moon for them. Congrats Katie, Mike and Paige :)

I have done something bad!

I have convinced myself I am pregnant. It is far to early to tell but I am convinced I am. So much so Dan and I were discussing when would be the best time to tell our families. We were like, well we have to tell them before this event or they will question why I am not indulging in an adult beverage, or we think we should wait til this date just to be sure. Also, we have been discussing names. This is not unusual but it is happening a lot. In the past 24 hours I have gained 100% faith that this is our month. I hope I am not setting myself up for a disappointment. Life will not be pretty if I am not pregnant this month.

I go today for my blood work to see if I ovulated. Since they run the tests only on Thursdays, I should also find out today if it worked.

Dreams

The past few nights have bombarded me with dreams. Dreams about babies and dreams that involved loved ones that have gone home already. Last night I dreamt we adopted a beautiful little girl from Columbia. We named her Sophie Ann Welms (our top girls name.) We got the call she was born and we went right away. Nobody knew that we were even going, it was left to be a wonderful surprise when we got home. This was by far the dream that I remember the most details. A few nights ago my friends Brad and Cole who both have passed away visited me in my dreams. The details are very fuzzy but they were there, in normal everyday settings. Like, we were at a garage party at a friends house. That is really all I remember. Other dreams I was pregnant, or close friends were pregnant. Really, these were all pleasant dreams. Unlike the past few months where I have been waking up in the middle of the night sobbing. Yes, at least once a week for the past few months I was having dreams that people were screaming at me telling me how worthless and selfish I am and that I didn't deserve to be around anymore. People that have been a part of my life, friends, my mom, my dad (who really this is pretty right on with a lot of real life conversations with him), Dan; people that their opinions mean something to me. I would wake up sobbing and wake Dan up in the process. I will take the past few nights of sleep over these dreams any day.

Well, it is CD 20, I go for blood work on Thursday and have my apt. next week. I am almost positive that I ovulated and I think it was over the weekend. It is going to be a long 2 week wait.

Blessings

Update

The past two nights I have gone back to the horrible dreams where I wake up in tears. Only, I am crying because I tried to kidnap infants in a stolen car and the parents followed suit and told me I don't deserve to be alive.

Hump Day

I am so glad that Hump Day is over. I am ready for the weekend. Today was horriable at work. The little ones decided it would be best if they beat each other up all day and throw toys at each other. Awesome. Most of them spend most of the day in time out. Nap time should be around 9am then again at 1. Then throwing up due to an "accident" of one of our pre-schoolers was the highlight of the day. Double awesome. This weekend will be great though. Some of our best friends are coming up to visit from DC. We have not seen Vance and Jess since the 4th of July when they last visited. I can't wait to see them. Some of Dan's and my best times have been with them. Actually, without them getting together oh, 7 years ago Dan and I would have never met.

Well, we are half way through this month. The end of day 14. Say some prayers that everything works out for us this month!! We need them.

Blessings

Holiday Appropriate and Other Stuff

Since Valentine's day is tomorrow I would like to go mushy on you. I am so thankful for Dan. He is an amazing, wonderful man. I thank God for putting us together. What a blessing. Where Valentine's day has never really been our holiday (we celebrate Sweetest day in October instead, that was when we got engaged) we still plan to embrace it tomorrow. The first year I met Dan we became really good friends. He wanted me but it took me awhile to warm up to him. That year on Valentine's day he sent me roses but the florist delivered them to our garage and we didn't notice them for 2 or 3 days. He was really bothered that I didn't say anything to him about them and was bugging my friends to see if I mentioned anything about them. He has not sent flowers to me since. When he gives me flowers he delivers them personally. Just a little flashback story. I may be a little biased but I have the greatest husband ever.

Now for the other stuff

I took my last Clomid pills this morning, which can only mean one thing. Sex-a-poluza is right around the corner. Bowchicabowwow!!! We are just going to enjoy what could be the last month of this. If it happens it happens if not, well we will be devastated but it will be okay. We have been heavily discussing adoption. This is becoming more and more comfortable with us. Keep us in your prayers as we look more into this.

Looking for the Silver Lining

I am striving to be positive. This was one of my New Years Resolutions. While it is hard at the end of the month the be staring into the eyes of defeat it does mean we are going into another month of getting to try. Yes, while one month closes another month begins. This month is a little different than last. I did not need provera to induce my period. This is a "real" month the only thing assisting is the Clomid and that has proved to be promising. In my last few posts I have mentioned that we have 1-2 more chances. That is 1-2 more tries that this could work for us and the Pittsburgh trip would unnecessary. Dan and I both said that we were going to try our hardest to not think about it this month which is basically stating the impossible but we are just going to enjoy each other more and stress less.

Last night we went out and grabbed a bite to eat. The restaurant was busy so it gave us a chance to have a long chat. I mentioned to Dan that earlier in the day I had started to research adoption. He confessed that recently, he too has thought about adoption. Now, I am not trying to make this post change gears and make it look like we are giving up hope. We just know that taking the step to adopt is huge, when did we get here? It was comforting that we both have been thinking about it and we agreed that we need to start doing research. My need to plan is saying that I need to do as much research as physically possible over the next year so when we are ready to make that step we are informed and will know what we are looking for. This also may get our minds off of trying for a few months. We also talked about the option of being a Foster Parent. This is something that we need to pray, think and talk about. Our biggest fear is becoming attached to our Foster children and then have to say goodbye. By no means are we going to rush into this but it is on our minds.

Blessings to all!

Defeated

Another month of defeat. This is so disappointing. Ugh.

I am so a person that needs to see the end result. This would be the area of my life that I am OCD. I have this obsessive need to plan everything out. Even my down time. I tell myself, okay, I am going to relax from 6 until 7 then go do this. Knowing that we have two more months left is a lot more stressful then I thought it would be. I know that this is not the end of the road for us but for some reason taking that next step is scaring the poop out of me. It shouldn't be, we would be seeing trained professionals in one of the best woman's hospitals in the US. I should be excited that we will finally have answers why nothing is happening. I mean, Dan's test was fine, I am ovulating we are doing everything we were told to do, the HSG was fine. I even ate pineapple this month raw, which I usually only like it if it is cooked in something. What are we missing? I think another reason I think I am hesitant to take this next, dreaded step is because I know it means some time off from trying. We have decided to go for the consult if it comes to that. See what they have to say, get the tests run that they may want to do and then go from there. I am guessing that we will take some time off. Right now with being in school full time and working two jobs it would be really hard to make frequent 1 and a half hour trips to the Burgh. Maybe we will wait til summer, maybe longer. Since the next steps means cash, lots and lots of cash we may save up a little more. Our insurance only covers fertility testing, not the procedures. Maybe I am just scared because I can't see the end result. I need to set a deadline and say okay, we will be pregnant by this month. Yeah, right. If that was possible I would have a 1 1/2 year old right now.

I am going to try to relax the next few months and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.