Yesterday was great!!

We had a wonderful time yesterday for our anniversary. We just lounged around together in the morning then later in the afternoon we went to Erie and bought new living room furniture. We got what we think is an awesome deal. We got a couch, love seat, coffee table, end table and entertainment stand for a really good price. Can't wait for it to be delivered on Nov. 8th. Dan and I are already planning sleeping on it the first night we have it. We then went to dinner at Porters' House in Titusville. We both ordered steak and I must say it was one of the better steaks we have had recently. We came home and watched our wedding video and called it a night. It was nice to spend the day together.



I left out that we also sat down with our pastor yesterday in the afternoon. It was the only time this week we could do it with all of our schedules. On Sunday, I had a hard time sitting though church for some reason. I kept tearing up and it was all I could do from sobbing. I held it together and only shed a few tears. Well, Pastor Rob being the caring, awesome man that he is asked us after church if everything was okay and if we wanted to talk to him. We both said yes and I teared up again. We addressed our questions concerning the views the United Methodists hold with fertility treatments. He told us that as the UMC we thank God for modern medicine and it's ability to open up these doors. With that said he also said, if we are not to have children, or are suppose to adopt the treatments would continue to fail. If God wants us to birth our own baby, these treatments will work and there is nothing that should stop us from exhausting all options of treatment. He also asked us a lot of questions of how we were dealing with everything. How this was playing a role in our relationship and as individuals. We shared that even though this is a really hard time for us both as individuals as a couple it has only brought us closer together and have really had to support one another. We also talked about my need to see the end result and know exactly what is suppose to happen when. Pastor Rob put that old "If you want to hear God laugh tell Him your plans." line out there. It was a nice conversation and it reassured me that we are going in the right direction and our decisions are solid ones.

It's Our Anniversary

Today marks 2 years for Dan and I. These have been the best two years of my life. We have learned a lot about each other, and experienced many wonderful moments together. I love Dan ten times more today than I did two years ago. We both took the day off to spend together. We are going to Erie shopping for living room furniture then going out to dinner. When we get home we are going to carve our pumpkins then watch our wedding video and eat the delicious Apple Dumplings I made. It will be a nice day for us.

Stay away from the sad.

I was reminded last night why I hate taking clomid. I kept thinking that last month I was not as near as emotional I was able to keep it together. Then, I figured out that I was in the hospital when I was on clomid and having a million different IV bags going through my blood it must have watered down the clomid, ergo no ovulation. Dan brought that up to me and all I can think about is how frustrated and bored I was in the hospital compared to this month when I am doing my normal schedule. I didn't break down once during my little vacation to UMPC 337 which is amazing seeing that I lost all control last night watching Season 1 of the OC with Dan. If you are a OC follower this was the episode where Julie and Caleb got married and Ryan was leaving Newport to take care of Theresa and the pregnancy. I cried, the whole way through it, beginning to end. Not just tears, like the snotty, can't breath, little whimpers type of break down. The best way to describe how I was feeling was like I just lost a loved one. I have been there before and felt that emotion and it was so similar. Once I settled down, (Dan of course kept his cool, just held me, played with my hair and just let me go) I just kept saying I can't be doing this every month. I can't keep feeling like I am going through the worst imaginable depression 2-2 1/2 weeks a month. I can't keep crying on que. The question really is will I keep doing this? Yes, of course. Without clomid, no ovulation. No ovulation, no babies. This is the 5th month of clomid which means I am more than half way done with this. I have survived this far and I don't just quit. So, I have decided my only hope in living a semi-stable life the next few weeks is to stay away from the sad, or the really happy (yes I cry the same way when happy, whimpers and all) so I guess stay away from the extreme.

Bring on the hormones

Well, I start Clomid tomorrow which means a few weeks of blood, sweat and tears. Literally, the stuff makes me a train wreck. Crying for no reason, the cramps, hot flashes, night sweats it is a brief window to menopause that's for sure. How can something so powerful be okay to take, I have to wonder. As mentioned a thousand times before; I know this will all be worth it someday, as long as someday is soon. I don't think I am ready yet for the next step. What if the clomid doesn't work ever? Can I really go through the more abrasive procedures? After this (now this is all based on assumptions) I am pretty sure there isn't any hope to conceive naturally. The doctor will be the middle man. How freaking romantic. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how all this factors in with God. I need to do some more research on this but are we sinning if we have to have a 3rd party get us pregnant? Does this mean being a parent is not our purpose? I had to visions in my life that have never changed. Getting married to an amazing man (check) and having a family with that man. Does God want us to adopt? What is He trying to tell us? I need some guidance with this and I need to find out where I stand before I can decide to move on with IUI's of IVF's. Will this really change our mind? I mean this technology today is not just for non believers, right? Okay, I really need to stop thinking. We have talked to our Sunday School teacher about some of these issues. He has agreed to sit down and talk to us and hopefully shed some light on all these questions. He is a great guy and has suffered in his own ways. Four years ago his wife went into labor at 4 1/2 months and they lost their sweet little Breael. They had 22 minutes with her before she was called home. I can't even imagine going through the loss of a child. They are very strong and I feel blessed that we have met them.

I have been stressed out this week with different situations I have encountered. I am really ready for the weekend. I have Saturday off and we are going to a wedding. Tuesday is our 2 year anniversary and Dan and I both took the day off. We are really looking forward to spending the day together. Not sure what we are going to do but it doesn't matter I am just excited to have a whole day with Dan. These two years have flown by and have been by far the best two years of my life. We have a good, strong foundation for our marriage and we can get through anything together.

CD 1

Well AF showed up today. Onto a new cycle. I would like to say that I am as hopeful as months before but that is not the case. I seem to be in this mindset of "if" it happens not "when" it happens. You can't get disappointed if you aren't hopeful from the beginning right? Well here is to the upcoming weeks of hormones, emotions, tears for no reason and complete craziness.

Back from Mexico

We got back into town last night and we had a great trip. It was nice and relaxing. Everything; the food, the drinks, the room was wonderful. We stayed at the Valentin Imperial Maya. I recommend this resort to anyone. It is adults only. We went on Apple Vacations.



Here is my review: The flight down was fine. It was about 3 hours and we arrived in Cancun at 9:10am. Customs was a breeze and the transportation was there waiting for us. It was about a 25 minute drive to the resort. We were greeted with a marg and a cool, damp cloth. They escorted us to our check in table. And this brought the worst part of the vacation. They seemed to have lost our reservation. Great. I pulled out all my confirmations, copies of the reservation that I had made and showed him that I was confirmed. He said that they had me scheduled to arrive the day before and all the travel agent trips (which is what we went on) were a no show so they canceled our reservation. They told us to go grab breakfast then come back and they would have a room for us. So we did and we came back and they had upgraded us to a Golden Jr. Suite Swim out room. So we had a private pool right outside our room. Life was good again. So we went to our room, got settled, changed into pool attire and headed to the beach. The beach was red flagged all week though due to a hurricane approaching and was very windy. So we took a little walk down the beach checked out the main pool then decided since it looked like rain that we would go to our pool and relax. The first night we went to the steakhouse and it was delish. The next few days were pretty much the same, wake up, go to breakfast (huge buffet breakfast with many options for whatever you could possibly want. PLUS the self serve mimosa station was an added bonus) then we would check out the beach to see if it was still red flagged (it was) then head to the big pool. We would get a drink, usually a frozen marg and lounge in the pool until we were ready for lunch or it started raining and we would decide that it was time for lunch. We altered between the sit down restaurant for lunch and the huge lunch buffet. Both were wonderful. Then since it would be raining without a doubt we would head to our room and nap or float in the pool until it was raining to hard to be out there. Around 6:30 we would head to dinner, the second night was Italian and the 3rd French. (we went back to the steakhouse the last night since the other restaurants we wanted to go to were closed) I must say the French was by far our favorite. We had the best French Onion soup ever and tried Chateaubriand (not sure if that is how it is spelled) for the first time. It was the best steak ever and they served it with a buttery sauce and some sort of gravy to dip it in. Wednesday (our last day) was the nicest the weather was all week. Both Dan and I got burnt and enjoyed the pool all day. We also got to take a tour of the different kinds of rooms which was nice. We were sad to see it end but all in all it was a wonderful week. I will post pictures here in a little bit.

It's over

Well, this month was not our month. I tested again this morning and it was another negative. I still have not started so after work today I went and filled my provera prescription. So I didn't even ovulate this month. 37 days of hope, thinking this would be the month and I still didn't ovulate. How frustrating. So on to clomid cycle 5.

I have decided that I need to have a much more positive outlook on this situation and life in general. So not being pregnant this month is good for a few reasons. We leave for Mexico at 7 am tomorrow morning. If the "3" of us were going I would not have been able to partake in the countless margs that I plan on consuming over the next week. If I would have ovulated and not gotten pregnant I would be on my period now, and to be honest I am thrilled that I am not taking that to Mexico with me and can enjoy our anniversary trip. Now I would have easily given up the margs if it meant we were having a little bambino but I am okay with being able to enjoy :)

The hope fades away a little bit more each month but I guess every month we go through this is one month closer to getting pregnant. (See I can do this positive stuff) It is just so hard. Every month I think, we have this going on in the next few months what a perfect time to announce our excitement. So many occasions; Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Holidays, Birthdays we have a plan on how we want to tell our families, now we just need the chance. I remember last Christmas we thought for sure we would be celebrating Babies First Christmas, or at least be pregnant. If this is going to true it needs to be this next cycle.

Well, as I said above we are off to Mexico for our two year anniversary (a few weeks early it isn't until the 28th) we plan on relaxing, over-eating, over-drinking and enjoying each other!! Be back next week.

Day 35, a BFN and No AF

The title of this post pretty much gives it away. I still have not started and I am still getting a BFN. As of now I am assuming that I just did not ovulate this month. I am going to hold out until Saturday, test one more time then start the Provera if I didn't start already. Have I mentioned lately that I am frustrated with this whole stinking process? I think that from not on I am going to request the blood work every month no matter what. I can't stand this waiting game it drives me nuts. I need to know if I can at least expect my period.

CD 34 and a BFN

Yep, I tested this morning and got a big fat negative. I still haven't started yet, but I am starting to get crampy. I wouldn't be surprised if it came today or tomorrow. If I am not pregnant I guess I want it to start on it's own so I at least know I ovulated.

CD 32

Still no sign of Aunt Flo, which yes is a good thing. As I think I mentioned yesterday it is bittersweet. I want to be excited that I could be pregnant but also, I don't want to be to excited in case I didn't ovulate and that is my reason for not starting. I will test tomorrow morning and depending on the results I will test again on Thursday. If it is a big fat negative I am to start the provera on Thursday ::sigh:: lets hope I don't have to go down that road again.

Cycle Day 31

Well, it is cycle day 31 and still no sign of Aunt Flo. For a brief moment my hope is restored. I want to test tomorrow but Dan says wait til Thursday so we will 'know' so we compromised and I will test on Wednesday if she is still not here. Now, I don't chart or anything so I am not sure of my ovulation date, I know shame on me. For some reason I listened to my OB and he suggested not to chart that I would get to stressed if I did. Dan is a by the books sort of guy and after talking he convinced me to not temp or anything, to listen to the Dr. I think that he knows I can be a high strung girl at times and wanted to spare himself the crazy Katie that he was anticipating. So, I will probably update this daily until she has/hasn't arrived. Of course I am praying for the latter.

In my perfect world I would test Wednesday and be able to get confirmation from the ob before we leave for Mexico on Sunday. If by chance this is our month I am not sure yet if I will post right away since we probably won't have the chance to tell our families before our trip. Some of my readers may be tempted to give away our secret. Who knows what the next few days will tell.

Stay tuned.

Hurry Up and Wait

That seemed to be the theme for our day. We had my ultrasound today to see how I reacted to the Clomid this month. Our appt. was at 10am and they never called us in til 10:45. We got through the ultrasound and she said that it looked like my left ovary did the work this month and oddly enough that is the same thing they said last month. My lining looks good though. After the ultrasound we went downstairs to wait another 30 mins to see the Dr. Usually they are more on schedule. Oh well. The Dr. pretty much said that everything looks good and we need to wait for good ol' aunt flo to show up. (or hopefully not show up) If I have not started by next Thursday I am to take a HPT. One more week of waiting.

Our Mexico trip is coming up here really soon. We leave next Sunday the 12th. I can't wait. Hopefully, the *3* of us will be going. It will be a great, relaxing, much needed trip no matter what.