HSG Results

I had the HSG today and lets just say that it was not a walk in the park. After going into the x-ray room and them going through the process Dr. M came in and talked to me for a few minutes. He explained that he was going to put the speculum in and clean the cervix. (This may get a little hard to stomach) Then he was going to insert the catheter and that was suppose to be the worst part. Then he was going to push the dye through. In my opinion that was the worst part. I cried, and yelled and screamed like a little girl. I do not tolerate pain very well at all. Once the catheter was inserted the process only took about 5 minutes which is good I don't think I could have dealt with much more.

The results; so far so good. He said that what he could see everything looked good. We have to go on the 9th for a follow up to get more informative results.

The aftermath; I am feeling okay, a little sore and very crampy. It is like having the most severe period cramps ever, non-stop. Dan is taking good care of me, I expected nothing less.

Crazy Emotions

These raging emotions are enough to make anyone crazy. I am a totally different person than I was a year ago. A year ago; I valued my alone time, I was motivated to do anything and everything, I didn't have to frequently remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. Now when I am alone I cry, get mad and nap (I am so not a napper except when going through these bouts of depression), I think about all the wrong in not only my life but the world. It all makes me so sad. A year ago I wanted to go and do things, see our friends just be active. Now I just want to be couch ridden with my husband hiding out waiting for life to pass us by.

We make tentative plans with friends and sometimes (certain friends over others) hope that they just forget to call so we don't have to go out. Now we blame this on the fact that we have outgrown the bar scene but I am not so sure that is the real reason. Don't get me wrong we have a few of our couple friends that we consider our very best friends and we love them to death and love to be around them. Maybe this is because they know the everyday details in our lives and we don't have to always put on an extremely happy face and act like all is right with the world. They know us and visa versa and we aren't forced to focus on what is new in our lives over the past several months we can just kick back and be comfortable.

I have always been known as the nice girl, always happy never see me without a smile. I have this person hid down deep inside and she desperately wants to get out. I want "me" back so badly. I don't want to always be thinking life is not fair and why are we always getting the short end of the stick. Then to make myself feel better remind myself of all the reasons I am blessed. Dan, reminds me daily of how lucky I am to have him to share this journey with. With Thanksgiving a few days away this is a perfect time to reflect on all the good in my life. I have a wonderful husband. A man that makes me feel like the world is perfect when I am with him. After 2 years of marriage and 5 years of off and on dating he still makes me smile when he walks in the door. I love him ten times as much as I did two years ago. I love the fact that I am the one he shares his feelings and dreams with. I love the way he can make me calm just by playing with my hair and holding me. I am so lucky.

I am blessed with a great family. Yes, I have had a lot of heartache with my Dad's side and am still healing with how he has treated me and the roller coaster ride he has had me on for the past almost 25 years. It seems like since I have let go of hope and cut ties with him that I have been hurt by him the most. If that makes sense. Growing up wanting him around even though he was awful and scary and he would make me feel invisible I still had hope that things would eventually work themselves out and someday he would see me as his little girl and want to get to know me. I guess it is hard dealing with the fact that this will never happen if I put myself out there. (Not sure where that little tanget of my dad came from, back to being thankful) my family. I have a great mom, step-dad and brother who have been so supportive, yet opinionated.

Friends that I would give my right arm for. It takes a good friend to try to pick you up when you are down, it takes a great friend that will get down and hate life with you until you can pick yourself up.

I am so lucky to have two jobs (some people don't see the blessing in this) not everyone in this world can get one job let alone two. How lucky am I? I have the chance to go back to school and live out a dream. I live in a nice home, in a small town that doesn't always seem appealing but it is home.

I do not take life for granted, I am aware that everything we face is a blessing. God does not give us anything two big or two small that we can't handle. I am also so lucky to be a child of the Lord. My faith has really gotten me through so hard times. Life really is sweet and I am ready to take it by the hand. The Christmas season is just around the corner and I love the holidays.

I know this post is really random and all over the place. If you are still reading thank you and God Bless.

Baby Showers and Fears

I just got home from my friend Kim's baby shower. It really was a nice shower and I am so happy for them. They really deserve this baby and it took them a few years to get pregnant. I just really want to be able to go to a baby shower and not feel like crying when all the cutesy presents are being opened and sitting there thinking, will I ever have this? Also, it would be great if comments were avoided like, "Maybe the next shower we come to will be yours" and "Are you and Dan talking about starting your family" how do you answer these questions when you are being defeated month after month.
My fear is this, I will never know what it feels like to have a child growing inside of me. I am so afraid that Wednesday when we go in for the HSG they will say that my tubes are blocked and we don't stand a chance. Everyone keeps saying "Just have hope, it will happen." Well, you don't know that. It might not happen. It is not like we can chalk month after month up to bad timing. We follow the schedule. Take the drugs, do the deed when told and still nothing. So if our timing is good and I am ovulating and still not pregnant then it is hard for me to think that everything else is okay. Maybe it is, I have hope that everything is fine but you never know. I just can't see how people can say it will happen when clearly it might not. Are the chances even 50/50? Who knows. I am getting really anxious about the results. I just want to know.

HSG Scheduled

So, I started last night. I called this morning and have my HSG scheduled for Wednesday morning. I am not looking forward to this but I am looking forward to the answers. I don't handle pain very well and I was up most of the night scared out of my mind about the procedure. It seems like stuff like this always comes up on the days I am looking forward to work the most. My boss's will be away for the holiday and we always slack off and do nothing. When they were in Hawaii, I ended up in the hospital. Now, they are going to Florida here the week before Christmas, nothing better happen while they are gone.

Day 30 appt.

Dan and I went in for our 30 day ultrasound today. Everything looked good which of course is a good thing. Now we are just waiting me to start or not to start. Hopefully, I won't start and we will be pregnant. If I do start and we are not pregnant then on to the next step of this fertility nightmare. The HSG. We will take a month off of Clomid and whenever I can get the HSG scheduled, (it will fall between days 5-9) we will get that done. I am not looking forward to this test but at least we will see if my tubes are blocked or if we are in the clear. I am however, looking forward to getting a better picture of whats going on. Every step closer is a good thing. So that is where we stand right now.

I have been tagged!!

By Bio---

I was tagged!
I was tagged by Bio http://iambiomaj5.blogspot.com/
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. (I tried-hope it works!)
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. I hate, hate, hate feet and anything to do with them.
2. The smell of bubble gum makes me gag.
3. When I was younger I showed pigs and sheep at the 4-H fair.
4. I am now on year 6 of college and only have a 2 year degree to show for it. (This will soon change)
5. Mamma Mia is my new favorite movie
6. I never went throught a bad boy stage...always been attracted to the good boys.
7. Im OCD over planning.

Who hasn't been tagged??
Danse
Carly
Katie Jo
Sweetpea
Megan
Heather
Lori

I scored a 9!!

Yep, we have confirmed ovulation. It needed to be at least a 5 and I got a 9. YAY!!!! This makes it the 2nd month since we started trying that we have a chance to be pregnant. So, I am pretty excited. Now, I am not putting all my eggs in one basket but once again I have gained hope. Tuesday we have the ultrasound and appt but I have learned that we won't find out on Tuesday. The waiting game begins. Will Aunt Flo show or is this it? Stay tuned.

In other news; I got my old job at the Y daycare center back. They have a location at the college campus I am going to so I thought why not. I loved this job, I was in charge of the baby room and that is where I am going back to. I walked in to visit yesterday (ironically enough one year to the day I left there) and as always the first thing they ask "You ready to come back yet?" This time I was able to say YES. It was exciting. So, I can work between classes. If you consider taking care of babies all day work. Which I love it, probably the most rewarding job I have had in my 9 years of the working world. Probably why I want to be a teacher so badly. Kids are great, and they are the future. What better than to help them find there way.

A new leaf and bloodwork

I am turning over a new leaf, actually getting back to me. I once was a very positive, happy person who didn't judge anyone and always gave the benefit of the doubt. Now, I know that people don't change and the currant tainted relationships I have won't just be fixed because of my new attitude but this is a general self make-over. I am no longer going to judge the smelly people that plop down at my desk, I am going to hope for the best in every situation. I am not going to gossip just for the sake of gossiping. Sure, I will need to vent and complain once in awhile. That is why my co-worker (who wants to turn over a new leaf) and I have made rules. Every day from 1-2 we are allowed to whine and be negative as well as Tuesday's and when you have broken appliances. We are also entitled to change these rules and amend them when necessary. Of course we are joking. I am well aware that just because I am changing doesn't mean everyone is. Liars will still lie and people will still look at the glass half empty. What will change is how I deal with these situations. I am still not sure exactly what that means though. As much as I want to just smile and be happy I don't want to be fake and superficial. Finding the happy medium will be the task at hand. I am getting back to focusing all energy on not only the important things in life but what is going well for me in life. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, I have a pretty great family and group of friends and I am going for my dream to be a teacher. God has blessed me and without Him I would not living the life I am, and for that I give thanks to God. Wish me luck.

Well, I had my 21 day blood work today and have to wait until Thursday to find out if I ovulated this month or not. Now this is usually the most dreaded day of any month. What usually takes 6 pokes in my arm and hand was done on the first try and I didn't even cry. So, I will find out the results on Thursday and next Tuesday is my appt. with the dildo cam and the OB.

It's the weekend!!

I am so happy that today is Friday. For some reason this seemed like the longest week ever. Tomorrow our new furniture is being delivered and I can't wait!!

This is our couch and love seat

And this is our coffee and end tables. (Can't find a picture of the entertainment center)

I am also excited about the weekend because it means we are closer to Tuesday. Tuesday I have my blood work to see if I ovulated this month. I think I did but we will see. That would be enough to make me happy this month since it didn't happen last.

Go Vote!!

It is your American responsibility. I voted today, did you? This was my first time voting for the Presidential election and the first year I really cared enough to look into both candidates. I am excited and scared to see who is going to be our next President of the good ol' US of A. Hopefully, my pick will win and the McCain/Palin duo will be leading our country for the next 4 plus years. If Obama wins I am scared for the next several years and what will happen. So get out there and vote!!!

On a side note I am thrilled that as of tonight all the calls, flyer's, mailings will come to an end.

CD 15

Today marks cycle day 15 and I am still bleeding. Provera makes this happen every month I have been on it. I better ovulate this month so I can have a normal period next cycle. I feel like I am automatically out when I bleed for half the month, hopefully I will be proven wrong. I am suppose to have blood work done next Tuesday which gives me a week from tomorrow to ovulate and make a baby.