These raging emotions are enough to make anyone crazy. I am a totally different person than I was a year ago. A year ago; I valued my alone time, I was motivated to do anything and everything, I didn't have to frequently remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. Now when I am alone I cry, get mad and nap (I am so not a napper except when going through these bouts of depression), I think about all the wrong in not only my life but the world. It all makes me so sad. A year ago I wanted to go and do things, see our friends just be active. Now I just want to be couch ridden with my husband hiding out waiting for life to pass us by.
We make tentative plans with friends and sometimes (certain friends over others) hope that they just forget to call so we don't have to go out. Now we blame this on the fact that we have outgrown the bar scene but I am not so sure that is the real reason. Don't get me wrong we have a few of our couple friends that we consider our very best friends and we love them to death and love to be around them. Maybe this is because they know the everyday details in our lives and we don't have to always put on an extremely happy face and act like all is right with the world. They know us and visa versa and we aren't forced to focus on what is new in our lives over the past several months we can just kick back and be comfortable.
I have always been known as the nice girl, always happy never see me without a smile. I have this person hid down deep inside and she desperately wants to get out. I want "me" back so badly. I don't want to always be thinking life is not fair and why are we always getting the short end of the stick. Then to make myself feel better remind myself of all the reasons I am blessed. Dan, reminds me daily of how lucky I am to have him to share this journey with. With Thanksgiving a few days away this is a perfect time to reflect on all the good in my life. I have a wonderful husband. A man that makes me feel like the world is perfect when I am with him. After 2 years of marriage and 5 years of off and on dating he still makes me smile when he walks in the door. I love him ten times as much as I did two years ago. I love the fact that I am the one he shares his feelings and dreams with. I love the way he can make me calm just by playing with my hair and holding me. I am so lucky.
I am blessed with a great family. Yes, I have had a lot of heartache with my Dad's side and am still healing with how he has treated me and the roller coaster ride he has had me on for the past almost 25 years. It seems like since I have let go of hope and cut ties with him that I have been hurt by him the most. If that makes sense. Growing up wanting him around even though he was awful and scary and he would make me feel invisible I still had hope that things would eventually work themselves out and someday he would see me as his little girl and want to get to know me. I guess it is hard dealing with the fact that this will never happen if I put myself out there. (Not sure where that little tanget of my dad came from, back to being thankful) my family. I have a great mom, step-dad and brother who have been so supportive, yet opinionated.
Friends that I would give my right arm for. It takes a good friend to try to pick you up when you are down, it takes a great friend that will get down and hate life with you until you can pick yourself up.
I am so lucky to have two jobs (some people don't see the blessing in this) not everyone in this world can get one job let alone two. How lucky am I? I have the chance to go back to school and live out a dream. I live in a nice home, in a small town that doesn't always seem appealing but it is home.
I do not take life for granted, I am aware that everything we face is a blessing. God does not give us anything two big or two small that we can't handle. I am also so lucky to be a child of the Lord. My faith has really gotten me through so hard times. Life really is sweet and I am ready to take it by the hand. The Christmas season is just around the corner and I love the holidays.
I know this post is really random and all over the place. If you are still reading thank you and God Bless.
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4 years ago
2 comments:
I think we have all had these thoughts and feelings at one time or another. Know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and to never turn your back on those that are right behind you supporting you one step after another. :)
Well, I must say that I totally agree with Jess! It's a good post Kate, and some days you just need to say it and put it out there so on the good days you may look back and say "Geez! I'm such an idiot!" Remember, your days are coming, each day is a surprise, ride that rollercoaster! Because you don't want to be 80 and still sitting on that couch! Can you just imagine the stench???? And...how awful will my brother look after all that time of just sitting there!!!! LOL Of course, you can always play the "what is worse" game that we play with the kids. When they bump an elbow or toe we ask, "Which would hurt worse, your toe or me pinching you?" The toe doesn't hurt that bad anymore. When they complain about something we ask, "What would be worse, sitting here waiting for 8:00pm to hit so you can eat icecream or cleaning out the refridgerator?" Hmmm...I think you know the answer to that! (actually just got done with that one, and now that it's 8pm, I need to go get her a bowl of icecream!) Cheers!
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