Defeated

Another month of defeat. This is so disappointing. Ugh.

I am so a person that needs to see the end result. This would be the area of my life that I am OCD. I have this obsessive need to plan everything out. Even my down time. I tell myself, okay, I am going to relax from 6 until 7 then go do this. Knowing that we have two more months left is a lot more stressful then I thought it would be. I know that this is not the end of the road for us but for some reason taking that next step is scaring the poop out of me. It shouldn't be, we would be seeing trained professionals in one of the best woman's hospitals in the US. I should be excited that we will finally have answers why nothing is happening. I mean, Dan's test was fine, I am ovulating we are doing everything we were told to do, the HSG was fine. I even ate pineapple this month raw, which I usually only like it if it is cooked in something. What are we missing? I think another reason I think I am hesitant to take this next, dreaded step is because I know it means some time off from trying. We have decided to go for the consult if it comes to that. See what they have to say, get the tests run that they may want to do and then go from there. I am guessing that we will take some time off. Right now with being in school full time and working two jobs it would be really hard to make frequent 1 and a half hour trips to the Burgh. Maybe we will wait til summer, maybe longer. Since the next steps means cash, lots and lots of cash we may save up a little more. Our insurance only covers fertility testing, not the procedures. Maybe I am just scared because I can't see the end result. I need to set a deadline and say okay, we will be pregnant by this month. Yeah, right. If that was possible I would have a 1 1/2 year old right now.

I am going to try to relax the next few months and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.