Ringing in 09

Well, tonight officially ends 2008. A year that was filled with a lot of joy, challenges, and chaos. This year in a nutshell. We started our fertility treatment. Which has given us hope to have children but also has been hard on us. I have learned a lot about my body and what it is going through. We celebrated many, many weddings, vacationed in Mexico, made new friends, got in touch with old friends and grew apart from other friends, and we celebrated our 2 year anniversary in October. All in all we had a pretty good year. As we ring in 2009 we reflect back on all we have gained and all we have to be thankful for. We realized with all we have encountered how strong we are as individuals and as a couple. Our faith has been tested and has grown during these tests.

My hopes for 2009; of course to get pregnant. We are coming to the end of our Clomid cycles 2 more after this one we are just getting ready to start. Hopefully, in these three months we will get knocked up. I would also like to give more in random acts of kindness. I want to be a better in 2009, more positive, more giving. I want to get in better shape. I want to give more to my husband. I want to live and laugh more. These are my hopes for 09.

It is a new year, a fresh start!! Have a safe and happy New Years Eve.

Another Year Older, Another Year Ahead Of Me

I have been a bad blogger. I have not really had anything to report. Right now I am waiting for Wednesday so I can test and move on to the next cycle. I know I am not pregnant but my OB decided that I should wait til day 33 just to be safe. Which in a way is fine with me because I won't be all hormonal for Christmas. A new year, a new cycle and new hope for a 2009 baby.

My 25th birthday was on Thursday. This was one of the best birthdays I have had. My co-workers surprised me and brought food in (ok, this wasn't a surprise we do this for every ones birthdays) then I got home from work and Dan prepared an awesome dinner for me. It consisted of steaks, roasted potato's and a delish birthday cake. He worked really hard on this dinner and that means the world to me. We went for a drive and looked at Christmas lights then came home and relaxed together. Life has been so hectic lately it was awesome to just hang out together. On Friday (as I posted before) my parents took us to the B.E. Taylor concert. Somehow it was better this year than last. They do a lot of the same things year to year but it was amazing. We ended my birthday today with dinner at my parents. My mom and step-dad cooked dinner and we hung out and watched the Steelers game and movies. It was nice and relaxing. My mom gave me for my birthday my Grandma Hileman's wedding ring. This is so special to me. My Grandma played a huge role in my life as I was growing up and she means the world to me. It fits on my pinkie finger and I will wear it daily. I love it!!

Christmas is a few days away and I am really looking forward to the coming days. I have two days left at Williams. Christmas Eve morning we go out to breakfast every year with family friends and the celebrating begins. The next two days will be filled with family and friends. I love Christmas!! Merry Christmas blog readers!!!

Blessings!!

Just As I Expected.

I did not ovulate on my own. I mean come on, why would I start now? So, they called me in some provera and I will start that on the 18th. Happy Birthday to me. Another month worth of hormones and craziness. I remain hopeful!!

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year.

I am getting super excited for the Holiday Season! I love, love, love Christmas and everything about it. The cards, the shopping, the baking, wrapping presents, decorating and most importantly the family and friends you spend it with. It really, truly is the most wonderful time of the year. I love driving home from work and seeing every one's Christmas lights, running into old friends while shopping, everything!! Oh, and it also helps that my birthday is a week before Christmas. Every year over my birthday weekend my family always goes to New Castle to see B.E. Taylor's Christmas show. This is truly a phenomenal show. He is from the Pittsburgh area and tours throughout western PA and WV. If you ever have the chance to go see him, do it!!! If you don't leave in the Christmas spirit something is wrong with you. He always brings a Gospel Choir from Beaver Falls (I think) to sing a song with him, and a high school marching band that comes in and plays The Little Drummer Boy and he donates a lot of time and money to the Special Olympics and he always has some of the participants that compete in the Special Olympics come out and sing a song with him. The show is next Friday and I can't wait. (I didn't realize that I am working PR for B.E Taylor....lol)

Well, can you tell I am stoked for Christmas!!!

I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday and a blessed New Year.

The Results Are In!!

I went in for my post HSG follow-up appt and I must say it was an overall good visit. I wasn't sure what to expect when my day started out with a call from the office saying my normal ob was sick today would I mind seeing one of the others. I said that was fine but all I could think about was how busy it usually is and how long the normal wait is and now they will be dispersing all of Dr. M's patients amongst the other OB's I thought I would never get to work. That was not the case, at all. We walked into an empty waiting room, no sooner sat down and was called right back, the doctor came in within seconds were done before my actual appt time. It was a walk in the park.

Now, for the results. Everything looked good. My tubes are not blocked and there is nothing wrong with my ute, whew. Since today is CD 21 he had me get blood work done just to see if I ovulated on my own this month. Which I was happy he did that but not to optimistic about the results, I will find out Thursday. (It would be super cool if everything worked out on it's own that would make for the BEST.CHRISTMAS.EVER!!!) He did say that they see a higher pregnancy rate the first 3 months following the HSG. That got my hopes up.

MIA!!!

So, I have not updated this in a week or so. I am still here just have had a crazy busy week. With the holiday last week and catching an awful cold things have started to pick up. Not to mention that my night job has finally gotten busy with the upcoming Christmas season that it has forced me to work 13 hour days this week. Ugh. I have also been preparing for finals that take place next week. Over the weekend we put our tree up and finished decorating for Christmas. Now I need to think about shopping. I am quite the slacker this year in this department. Most years I am done and the presents are wrapped and under the tree. I also need to find time to make fudge. I so love the Holiday Season!!!

On Tuesday we go in for our follow up appt. to see exactly what the HSG showed and how we are going to proceed from here.

HSG Results

I had the HSG today and lets just say that it was not a walk in the park. After going into the x-ray room and them going through the process Dr. M came in and talked to me for a few minutes. He explained that he was going to put the speculum in and clean the cervix. (This may get a little hard to stomach) Then he was going to insert the catheter and that was suppose to be the worst part. Then he was going to push the dye through. In my opinion that was the worst part. I cried, and yelled and screamed like a little girl. I do not tolerate pain very well at all. Once the catheter was inserted the process only took about 5 minutes which is good I don't think I could have dealt with much more.

The results; so far so good. He said that what he could see everything looked good. We have to go on the 9th for a follow up to get more informative results.

The aftermath; I am feeling okay, a little sore and very crampy. It is like having the most severe period cramps ever, non-stop. Dan is taking good care of me, I expected nothing less.

Crazy Emotions

These raging emotions are enough to make anyone crazy. I am a totally different person than I was a year ago. A year ago; I valued my alone time, I was motivated to do anything and everything, I didn't have to frequently remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. Now when I am alone I cry, get mad and nap (I am so not a napper except when going through these bouts of depression), I think about all the wrong in not only my life but the world. It all makes me so sad. A year ago I wanted to go and do things, see our friends just be active. Now I just want to be couch ridden with my husband hiding out waiting for life to pass us by.

We make tentative plans with friends and sometimes (certain friends over others) hope that they just forget to call so we don't have to go out. Now we blame this on the fact that we have outgrown the bar scene but I am not so sure that is the real reason. Don't get me wrong we have a few of our couple friends that we consider our very best friends and we love them to death and love to be around them. Maybe this is because they know the everyday details in our lives and we don't have to always put on an extremely happy face and act like all is right with the world. They know us and visa versa and we aren't forced to focus on what is new in our lives over the past several months we can just kick back and be comfortable.

I have always been known as the nice girl, always happy never see me without a smile. I have this person hid down deep inside and she desperately wants to get out. I want "me" back so badly. I don't want to always be thinking life is not fair and why are we always getting the short end of the stick. Then to make myself feel better remind myself of all the reasons I am blessed. Dan, reminds me daily of how lucky I am to have him to share this journey with. With Thanksgiving a few days away this is a perfect time to reflect on all the good in my life. I have a wonderful husband. A man that makes me feel like the world is perfect when I am with him. After 2 years of marriage and 5 years of off and on dating he still makes me smile when he walks in the door. I love him ten times as much as I did two years ago. I love the fact that I am the one he shares his feelings and dreams with. I love the way he can make me calm just by playing with my hair and holding me. I am so lucky.

I am blessed with a great family. Yes, I have had a lot of heartache with my Dad's side and am still healing with how he has treated me and the roller coaster ride he has had me on for the past almost 25 years. It seems like since I have let go of hope and cut ties with him that I have been hurt by him the most. If that makes sense. Growing up wanting him around even though he was awful and scary and he would make me feel invisible I still had hope that things would eventually work themselves out and someday he would see me as his little girl and want to get to know me. I guess it is hard dealing with the fact that this will never happen if I put myself out there. (Not sure where that little tanget of my dad came from, back to being thankful) my family. I have a great mom, step-dad and brother who have been so supportive, yet opinionated.

Friends that I would give my right arm for. It takes a good friend to try to pick you up when you are down, it takes a great friend that will get down and hate life with you until you can pick yourself up.

I am so lucky to have two jobs (some people don't see the blessing in this) not everyone in this world can get one job let alone two. How lucky am I? I have the chance to go back to school and live out a dream. I live in a nice home, in a small town that doesn't always seem appealing but it is home.

I do not take life for granted, I am aware that everything we face is a blessing. God does not give us anything two big or two small that we can't handle. I am also so lucky to be a child of the Lord. My faith has really gotten me through so hard times. Life really is sweet and I am ready to take it by the hand. The Christmas season is just around the corner and I love the holidays.

I know this post is really random and all over the place. If you are still reading thank you and God Bless.

Baby Showers and Fears

I just got home from my friend Kim's baby shower. It really was a nice shower and I am so happy for them. They really deserve this baby and it took them a few years to get pregnant. I just really want to be able to go to a baby shower and not feel like crying when all the cutesy presents are being opened and sitting there thinking, will I ever have this? Also, it would be great if comments were avoided like, "Maybe the next shower we come to will be yours" and "Are you and Dan talking about starting your family" how do you answer these questions when you are being defeated month after month.
My fear is this, I will never know what it feels like to have a child growing inside of me. I am so afraid that Wednesday when we go in for the HSG they will say that my tubes are blocked and we don't stand a chance. Everyone keeps saying "Just have hope, it will happen." Well, you don't know that. It might not happen. It is not like we can chalk month after month up to bad timing. We follow the schedule. Take the drugs, do the deed when told and still nothing. So if our timing is good and I am ovulating and still not pregnant then it is hard for me to think that everything else is okay. Maybe it is, I have hope that everything is fine but you never know. I just can't see how people can say it will happen when clearly it might not. Are the chances even 50/50? Who knows. I am getting really anxious about the results. I just want to know.

HSG Scheduled

So, I started last night. I called this morning and have my HSG scheduled for Wednesday morning. I am not looking forward to this but I am looking forward to the answers. I don't handle pain very well and I was up most of the night scared out of my mind about the procedure. It seems like stuff like this always comes up on the days I am looking forward to work the most. My boss's will be away for the holiday and we always slack off and do nothing. When they were in Hawaii, I ended up in the hospital. Now, they are going to Florida here the week before Christmas, nothing better happen while they are gone.

Day 30 appt.

Dan and I went in for our 30 day ultrasound today. Everything looked good which of course is a good thing. Now we are just waiting me to start or not to start. Hopefully, I won't start and we will be pregnant. If I do start and we are not pregnant then on to the next step of this fertility nightmare. The HSG. We will take a month off of Clomid and whenever I can get the HSG scheduled, (it will fall between days 5-9) we will get that done. I am not looking forward to this test but at least we will see if my tubes are blocked or if we are in the clear. I am however, looking forward to getting a better picture of whats going on. Every step closer is a good thing. So that is where we stand right now.

I have been tagged!!

By Bio---

I was tagged!
I was tagged by Bio http://iambiomaj5.blogspot.com/
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. (I tried-hope it works!)
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. I hate, hate, hate feet and anything to do with them.
2. The smell of bubble gum makes me gag.
3. When I was younger I showed pigs and sheep at the 4-H fair.
4. I am now on year 6 of college and only have a 2 year degree to show for it. (This will soon change)
5. Mamma Mia is my new favorite movie
6. I never went throught a bad boy stage...always been attracted to the good boys.
7. Im OCD over planning.

Who hasn't been tagged??
Danse
Carly
Katie Jo
Sweetpea
Megan
Heather
Lori

I scored a 9!!

Yep, we have confirmed ovulation. It needed to be at least a 5 and I got a 9. YAY!!!! This makes it the 2nd month since we started trying that we have a chance to be pregnant. So, I am pretty excited. Now, I am not putting all my eggs in one basket but once again I have gained hope. Tuesday we have the ultrasound and appt but I have learned that we won't find out on Tuesday. The waiting game begins. Will Aunt Flo show or is this it? Stay tuned.

In other news; I got my old job at the Y daycare center back. They have a location at the college campus I am going to so I thought why not. I loved this job, I was in charge of the baby room and that is where I am going back to. I walked in to visit yesterday (ironically enough one year to the day I left there) and as always the first thing they ask "You ready to come back yet?" This time I was able to say YES. It was exciting. So, I can work between classes. If you consider taking care of babies all day work. Which I love it, probably the most rewarding job I have had in my 9 years of the working world. Probably why I want to be a teacher so badly. Kids are great, and they are the future. What better than to help them find there way.

A new leaf and bloodwork

I am turning over a new leaf, actually getting back to me. I once was a very positive, happy person who didn't judge anyone and always gave the benefit of the doubt. Now, I know that people don't change and the currant tainted relationships I have won't just be fixed because of my new attitude but this is a general self make-over. I am no longer going to judge the smelly people that plop down at my desk, I am going to hope for the best in every situation. I am not going to gossip just for the sake of gossiping. Sure, I will need to vent and complain once in awhile. That is why my co-worker (who wants to turn over a new leaf) and I have made rules. Every day from 1-2 we are allowed to whine and be negative as well as Tuesday's and when you have broken appliances. We are also entitled to change these rules and amend them when necessary. Of course we are joking. I am well aware that just because I am changing doesn't mean everyone is. Liars will still lie and people will still look at the glass half empty. What will change is how I deal with these situations. I am still not sure exactly what that means though. As much as I want to just smile and be happy I don't want to be fake and superficial. Finding the happy medium will be the task at hand. I am getting back to focusing all energy on not only the important things in life but what is going well for me in life. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, I have a pretty great family and group of friends and I am going for my dream to be a teacher. God has blessed me and without Him I would not living the life I am, and for that I give thanks to God. Wish me luck.

Well, I had my 21 day blood work today and have to wait until Thursday to find out if I ovulated this month or not. Now this is usually the most dreaded day of any month. What usually takes 6 pokes in my arm and hand was done on the first try and I didn't even cry. So, I will find out the results on Thursday and next Tuesday is my appt. with the dildo cam and the OB.

It's the weekend!!

I am so happy that today is Friday. For some reason this seemed like the longest week ever. Tomorrow our new furniture is being delivered and I can't wait!!

This is our couch and love seat

And this is our coffee and end tables. (Can't find a picture of the entertainment center)

I am also excited about the weekend because it means we are closer to Tuesday. Tuesday I have my blood work to see if I ovulated this month. I think I did but we will see. That would be enough to make me happy this month since it didn't happen last.

Go Vote!!

It is your American responsibility. I voted today, did you? This was my first time voting for the Presidential election and the first year I really cared enough to look into both candidates. I am excited and scared to see who is going to be our next President of the good ol' US of A. Hopefully, my pick will win and the McCain/Palin duo will be leading our country for the next 4 plus years. If Obama wins I am scared for the next several years and what will happen. So get out there and vote!!!

On a side note I am thrilled that as of tonight all the calls, flyer's, mailings will come to an end.

CD 15

Today marks cycle day 15 and I am still bleeding. Provera makes this happen every month I have been on it. I better ovulate this month so I can have a normal period next cycle. I feel like I am automatically out when I bleed for half the month, hopefully I will be proven wrong. I am suppose to have blood work done next Tuesday which gives me a week from tomorrow to ovulate and make a baby.

Yesterday was great!!

We had a wonderful time yesterday for our anniversary. We just lounged around together in the morning then later in the afternoon we went to Erie and bought new living room furniture. We got what we think is an awesome deal. We got a couch, love seat, coffee table, end table and entertainment stand for a really good price. Can't wait for it to be delivered on Nov. 8th. Dan and I are already planning sleeping on it the first night we have it. We then went to dinner at Porters' House in Titusville. We both ordered steak and I must say it was one of the better steaks we have had recently. We came home and watched our wedding video and called it a night. It was nice to spend the day together.



I left out that we also sat down with our pastor yesterday in the afternoon. It was the only time this week we could do it with all of our schedules. On Sunday, I had a hard time sitting though church for some reason. I kept tearing up and it was all I could do from sobbing. I held it together and only shed a few tears. Well, Pastor Rob being the caring, awesome man that he is asked us after church if everything was okay and if we wanted to talk to him. We both said yes and I teared up again. We addressed our questions concerning the views the United Methodists hold with fertility treatments. He told us that as the UMC we thank God for modern medicine and it's ability to open up these doors. With that said he also said, if we are not to have children, or are suppose to adopt the treatments would continue to fail. If God wants us to birth our own baby, these treatments will work and there is nothing that should stop us from exhausting all options of treatment. He also asked us a lot of questions of how we were dealing with everything. How this was playing a role in our relationship and as individuals. We shared that even though this is a really hard time for us both as individuals as a couple it has only brought us closer together and have really had to support one another. We also talked about my need to see the end result and know exactly what is suppose to happen when. Pastor Rob put that old "If you want to hear God laugh tell Him your plans." line out there. It was a nice conversation and it reassured me that we are going in the right direction and our decisions are solid ones.

It's Our Anniversary

Today marks 2 years for Dan and I. These have been the best two years of my life. We have learned a lot about each other, and experienced many wonderful moments together. I love Dan ten times more today than I did two years ago. We both took the day off to spend together. We are going to Erie shopping for living room furniture then going out to dinner. When we get home we are going to carve our pumpkins then watch our wedding video and eat the delicious Apple Dumplings I made. It will be a nice day for us.

Stay away from the sad.

I was reminded last night why I hate taking clomid. I kept thinking that last month I was not as near as emotional I was able to keep it together. Then, I figured out that I was in the hospital when I was on clomid and having a million different IV bags going through my blood it must have watered down the clomid, ergo no ovulation. Dan brought that up to me and all I can think about is how frustrated and bored I was in the hospital compared to this month when I am doing my normal schedule. I didn't break down once during my little vacation to UMPC 337 which is amazing seeing that I lost all control last night watching Season 1 of the OC with Dan. If you are a OC follower this was the episode where Julie and Caleb got married and Ryan was leaving Newport to take care of Theresa and the pregnancy. I cried, the whole way through it, beginning to end. Not just tears, like the snotty, can't breath, little whimpers type of break down. The best way to describe how I was feeling was like I just lost a loved one. I have been there before and felt that emotion and it was so similar. Once I settled down, (Dan of course kept his cool, just held me, played with my hair and just let me go) I just kept saying I can't be doing this every month. I can't keep feeling like I am going through the worst imaginable depression 2-2 1/2 weeks a month. I can't keep crying on que. The question really is will I keep doing this? Yes, of course. Without clomid, no ovulation. No ovulation, no babies. This is the 5th month of clomid which means I am more than half way done with this. I have survived this far and I don't just quit. So, I have decided my only hope in living a semi-stable life the next few weeks is to stay away from the sad, or the really happy (yes I cry the same way when happy, whimpers and all) so I guess stay away from the extreme.

Bring on the hormones

Well, I start Clomid tomorrow which means a few weeks of blood, sweat and tears. Literally, the stuff makes me a train wreck. Crying for no reason, the cramps, hot flashes, night sweats it is a brief window to menopause that's for sure. How can something so powerful be okay to take, I have to wonder. As mentioned a thousand times before; I know this will all be worth it someday, as long as someday is soon. I don't think I am ready yet for the next step. What if the clomid doesn't work ever? Can I really go through the more abrasive procedures? After this (now this is all based on assumptions) I am pretty sure there isn't any hope to conceive naturally. The doctor will be the middle man. How freaking romantic. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how all this factors in with God. I need to do some more research on this but are we sinning if we have to have a 3rd party get us pregnant? Does this mean being a parent is not our purpose? I had to visions in my life that have never changed. Getting married to an amazing man (check) and having a family with that man. Does God want us to adopt? What is He trying to tell us? I need some guidance with this and I need to find out where I stand before I can decide to move on with IUI's of IVF's. Will this really change our mind? I mean this technology today is not just for non believers, right? Okay, I really need to stop thinking. We have talked to our Sunday School teacher about some of these issues. He has agreed to sit down and talk to us and hopefully shed some light on all these questions. He is a great guy and has suffered in his own ways. Four years ago his wife went into labor at 4 1/2 months and they lost their sweet little Breael. They had 22 minutes with her before she was called home. I can't even imagine going through the loss of a child. They are very strong and I feel blessed that we have met them.

I have been stressed out this week with different situations I have encountered. I am really ready for the weekend. I have Saturday off and we are going to a wedding. Tuesday is our 2 year anniversary and Dan and I both took the day off. We are really looking forward to spending the day together. Not sure what we are going to do but it doesn't matter I am just excited to have a whole day with Dan. These two years have flown by and have been by far the best two years of my life. We have a good, strong foundation for our marriage and we can get through anything together.

CD 1

Well AF showed up today. Onto a new cycle. I would like to say that I am as hopeful as months before but that is not the case. I seem to be in this mindset of "if" it happens not "when" it happens. You can't get disappointed if you aren't hopeful from the beginning right? Well here is to the upcoming weeks of hormones, emotions, tears for no reason and complete craziness.

Back from Mexico

We got back into town last night and we had a great trip. It was nice and relaxing. Everything; the food, the drinks, the room was wonderful. We stayed at the Valentin Imperial Maya. I recommend this resort to anyone. It is adults only. We went on Apple Vacations.



Here is my review: The flight down was fine. It was about 3 hours and we arrived in Cancun at 9:10am. Customs was a breeze and the transportation was there waiting for us. It was about a 25 minute drive to the resort. We were greeted with a marg and a cool, damp cloth. They escorted us to our check in table. And this brought the worst part of the vacation. They seemed to have lost our reservation. Great. I pulled out all my confirmations, copies of the reservation that I had made and showed him that I was confirmed. He said that they had me scheduled to arrive the day before and all the travel agent trips (which is what we went on) were a no show so they canceled our reservation. They told us to go grab breakfast then come back and they would have a room for us. So we did and we came back and they had upgraded us to a Golden Jr. Suite Swim out room. So we had a private pool right outside our room. Life was good again. So we went to our room, got settled, changed into pool attire and headed to the beach. The beach was red flagged all week though due to a hurricane approaching and was very windy. So we took a little walk down the beach checked out the main pool then decided since it looked like rain that we would go to our pool and relax. The first night we went to the steakhouse and it was delish. The next few days were pretty much the same, wake up, go to breakfast (huge buffet breakfast with many options for whatever you could possibly want. PLUS the self serve mimosa station was an added bonus) then we would check out the beach to see if it was still red flagged (it was) then head to the big pool. We would get a drink, usually a frozen marg and lounge in the pool until we were ready for lunch or it started raining and we would decide that it was time for lunch. We altered between the sit down restaurant for lunch and the huge lunch buffet. Both were wonderful. Then since it would be raining without a doubt we would head to our room and nap or float in the pool until it was raining to hard to be out there. Around 6:30 we would head to dinner, the second night was Italian and the 3rd French. (we went back to the steakhouse the last night since the other restaurants we wanted to go to were closed) I must say the French was by far our favorite. We had the best French Onion soup ever and tried Chateaubriand (not sure if that is how it is spelled) for the first time. It was the best steak ever and they served it with a buttery sauce and some sort of gravy to dip it in. Wednesday (our last day) was the nicest the weather was all week. Both Dan and I got burnt and enjoyed the pool all day. We also got to take a tour of the different kinds of rooms which was nice. We were sad to see it end but all in all it was a wonderful week. I will post pictures here in a little bit.

It's over

Well, this month was not our month. I tested again this morning and it was another negative. I still have not started so after work today I went and filled my provera prescription. So I didn't even ovulate this month. 37 days of hope, thinking this would be the month and I still didn't ovulate. How frustrating. So on to clomid cycle 5.

I have decided that I need to have a much more positive outlook on this situation and life in general. So not being pregnant this month is good for a few reasons. We leave for Mexico at 7 am tomorrow morning. If the "3" of us were going I would not have been able to partake in the countless margs that I plan on consuming over the next week. If I would have ovulated and not gotten pregnant I would be on my period now, and to be honest I am thrilled that I am not taking that to Mexico with me and can enjoy our anniversary trip. Now I would have easily given up the margs if it meant we were having a little bambino but I am okay with being able to enjoy :)

The hope fades away a little bit more each month but I guess every month we go through this is one month closer to getting pregnant. (See I can do this positive stuff) It is just so hard. Every month I think, we have this going on in the next few months what a perfect time to announce our excitement. So many occasions; Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Holidays, Birthdays we have a plan on how we want to tell our families, now we just need the chance. I remember last Christmas we thought for sure we would be celebrating Babies First Christmas, or at least be pregnant. If this is going to true it needs to be this next cycle.

Well, as I said above we are off to Mexico for our two year anniversary (a few weeks early it isn't until the 28th) we plan on relaxing, over-eating, over-drinking and enjoying each other!! Be back next week.

Day 35, a BFN and No AF

The title of this post pretty much gives it away. I still have not started and I am still getting a BFN. As of now I am assuming that I just did not ovulate this month. I am going to hold out until Saturday, test one more time then start the Provera if I didn't start already. Have I mentioned lately that I am frustrated with this whole stinking process? I think that from not on I am going to request the blood work every month no matter what. I can't stand this waiting game it drives me nuts. I need to know if I can at least expect my period.

CD 34 and a BFN

Yep, I tested this morning and got a big fat negative. I still haven't started yet, but I am starting to get crampy. I wouldn't be surprised if it came today or tomorrow. If I am not pregnant I guess I want it to start on it's own so I at least know I ovulated.

CD 32

Still no sign of Aunt Flo, which yes is a good thing. As I think I mentioned yesterday it is bittersweet. I want to be excited that I could be pregnant but also, I don't want to be to excited in case I didn't ovulate and that is my reason for not starting. I will test tomorrow morning and depending on the results I will test again on Thursday. If it is a big fat negative I am to start the provera on Thursday ::sigh:: lets hope I don't have to go down that road again.

Cycle Day 31

Well, it is cycle day 31 and still no sign of Aunt Flo. For a brief moment my hope is restored. I want to test tomorrow but Dan says wait til Thursday so we will 'know' so we compromised and I will test on Wednesday if she is still not here. Now, I don't chart or anything so I am not sure of my ovulation date, I know shame on me. For some reason I listened to my OB and he suggested not to chart that I would get to stressed if I did. Dan is a by the books sort of guy and after talking he convinced me to not temp or anything, to listen to the Dr. I think that he knows I can be a high strung girl at times and wanted to spare himself the crazy Katie that he was anticipating. So, I will probably update this daily until she has/hasn't arrived. Of course I am praying for the latter.

In my perfect world I would test Wednesday and be able to get confirmation from the ob before we leave for Mexico on Sunday. If by chance this is our month I am not sure yet if I will post right away since we probably won't have the chance to tell our families before our trip. Some of my readers may be tempted to give away our secret. Who knows what the next few days will tell.

Stay tuned.

Hurry Up and Wait

That seemed to be the theme for our day. We had my ultrasound today to see how I reacted to the Clomid this month. Our appt. was at 10am and they never called us in til 10:45. We got through the ultrasound and she said that it looked like my left ovary did the work this month and oddly enough that is the same thing they said last month. My lining looks good though. After the ultrasound we went downstairs to wait another 30 mins to see the Dr. Usually they are more on schedule. Oh well. The Dr. pretty much said that everything looks good and we need to wait for good ol' aunt flo to show up. (or hopefully not show up) If I have not started by next Thursday I am to take a HPT. One more week of waiting.

Our Mexico trip is coming up here really soon. We leave next Sunday the 12th. I can't wait. Hopefully, the *3* of us will be going. It will be a great, relaxing, much needed trip no matter what.

Funny How Things Work Out

I have been really bumming about my job situation recently. As I have mentioned in previous blogs I really want to get through my schooling but was in a huge catch 22. If I go to school full time I lose my insurance. No insurance=no baby. If I keep my job so we have insurance I am not going to get through school and am going to unhappy. Dan talked to his HR people about getting insurance through them which we did once before but at that time his company was not paying anything into them and the cost was outrageous. They have changed the way they do the insurance and now they pay 80% per family (which is what my company does) and it is the same company but a better plan. Infertility is still covered which is awesome and this includes eye coverage which mine does not. Also, no deductible. Doesn't get much better. So starting November 1st we will switch insurance policies and I will most likely (if I can get everything worked out with school) put my notice in at work and quit in January in time for the new semester to start. I am so excited. I finally feel like I can get a game plan in motion. Maybe I am working my way out of my rut.

In baby news we have our ultrasound scheduled for Thursday morning. Another month is approaching an end. I must say that I am not as optimistic this month as I was last. I have pretty much counted us out at this point. Too much happened with me being in the hospital and everything that I will be shocked if I actually am pregnant this month. We will see. I guess time will tell.

Here, There and Everywhere

Dan and I had a wonderful day together yesterday. We went to Robinson for the day for my 6 month ring inspection and cleaning. Because, he went to Jared and that is there policy so that if I ever lose the stone they will replace it. Also, since it is white gold they re-plate it every 6 months so they look brand spanking new!! We also shopped around trying to get Christmas ideas for our families and furniture shopped for ourselves. We found a great living room set (coffee table, end tables etc.) but we can't decide on a couch. We are ready to buy new stuff now and not have a mis-matched hodge podge of crap anymore. And after we came home and looked this stuff up online we found out that we can get it up here at a local furniture store!! Bonus! Now, I guess a couch will come in time.



The downfall to yesterday was PREGNANT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!! This made things hard. We want to be parents so badly it really hurts to see swarms of happy pregnant people or new parents. I am not a jealous person but this is getting out of control. It is wearing on Dan as well. He kept saying things like, "Why is everyone having a baby but us." "This is really making me sad that it is taking us so much work to have a baby and so many people we know it comes so easy for." But, of course we decided to torture ourselves and go in Baby Gap and look at baby cloths and look at baby furniture. That stuff used to be fun and exciting now it is just so depressing. Like.its.never.going.to.happen. UGH. I am not nearly as optimistic this month as I was last. Every time I say something like, "This is just never going to happen for us." Dan keeps reminding me that it won't with my attitude the way it is. LOL. Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer.

Back to work!

Well, yesterday I got cleared by the doctor to come back to work. So here I am. Sitting at my desk looks like I didn't even miss a thing. (Hence I am blogging and not going through sky high stacks of notes) It seems like the boss was a little annoyed at the fact I was out for a week; four of those working days in the hospital. They were on vacation when everything happened and they asked if I was feeling better in a kind of annoyed tone and moved on about their day. I mean come on, I am not wanting sympathy or a big fuss made but you can be pleasant. Dan's work sent me flowers for goodness sake, I'm sure my boss can at least put a smile on her face and say nice to have you back. Oh well. Maybe my true tone is coming out that I need a change and find a new job. I am in the best mood today with the exception of these crazies. Don't get me wrong, a few of my co-workers were excited to see me and told me how much better I looked and one even told me it looks like I lost weight. Which, yes I have lost 8 pounds since going into the hospital. Not sure how I managed that I ate ice cream 2 times a day and for dinner Dan and my parents brought me pizza, subs and Arby's. I'm thrilled!!!

In other news I healed up just in time for sex-a-pulozza!!! Yay for me and well, Dan too. Now that this crazy sickness is over lets make a baby!!! This will be our month. (I still hold hope)

Hard work

I am tired of having to work so hard for everything. Nothing in our life has been easy. We can't have a child without medication and tons of planning; we have to work so hard for everything that we have. It is so hard to watch people breeze through life; where's their tough breaks? We have plans, big plans for our future. I feel so judged sometimes because we choose to rent instead of buy; why you ask because we are not sure where we want to settle and won't until we know what path Dan is going to take with his flying. It is not a money factor at all. We have so much debt due to Dan being in an expensive career and you have to put out a lot of money to move forward and we have all of my school loans for the past 6 years. Throw that together with two car payments we don't have much wiggle room. We are comfortable don't get me wrong but some months we have to be cautious. My family frowns at the fact that I am working two jobs. The only reason I am doing this is to better my family. To pay off our debt a little faster. Dan works late so why not contribute a little more. I feel so stuck sometimes in life not knowing what I want to do and not having the time to do it. I would love more than anything to get a new job or just work nights so I can go to school full time. I can't quit my job now because I carry our health insurance which this past week is a testimony to the need for insurance.

Am I jealous of those who breeze through life. Heck no. I am a firm believer that when you work hard for something you appreciate it so much more in the end. I would rather be poor and happy with my life than rich and miserable. Dan living out his dreams is so much more important then bringing home 6 digits a year. Plus, I know that all this hard work will pay off and eventually we will have something to show for it. Rant over.

One Rough Week

This past week has been a mess. On Labor Day I went floating down the river with a good friend of mine. This was the most relaxing, enjoyable day of the whole summer (minus the terrible sunburn that I got.) She made countless comments about how relaxed and happy I looked. Well, as mentioned I got extremely sun burnt on the river. A few days had passed and I began to peel a little bit but this spot on my forehead was starting to puss and blister. I just thought that my forehead took the brunt of the sun and was more damaged than the rest of my body. Well by Friday the right side of my face was in so much pain and my face around my ear was so swollen. By Saturday it was 10 times worse and I was in tears it hurt so bad. Dan took me to the ER that night and they gave me a shot in the butt for pain and told me to see my family Dr. on Monday. So on Sunday when I woke up half my forehead was swollen and in so much more pain than the days before. Monday I woke up to my whole forehead looked like crap and it hurt so much worse. Dan and I went to the Dr. and they gave me an antibiotic and sent me home. Well on Tuesday I woke up and my right eye was swollen shut. I could not even move my eyelid. I looked horrible. I called the Dr. and told them what had happened and they said to get to their office right away and plan on going to the hospital. We (Dan and I) met my mom at the Doctors office and they said they think I had cellulitious in my face and would need to be admitted to the hospital for a few days and pumped full of antibiotics. So, we go to the hospital and I get checked in and a lab tech comes to get blood and said she had someone coming in ten minutes to get blood from my other arm. Ugh, I hate needles. After that was done the IV team came in and poked both hands before sticking a vein. They finally got it and all was fine and dandy. Wednesday came and the Dr. stopped in and said that he is pretty sure that I had shingles as well as a staff infection on my forehead but to be sure they had to run a few more tests. But just to be sure they were putting me on isolation. To visit me you had to put a gown and gloves on and stay three feet away. I felt like I had the black plague. I was the girl that people look at the big orange sign on the door and wonder what is wrong with her?!?! Also, Wednesday my IV decided to blow and the only option for me is to put a central line in me. They do this by ultrasound and ex ray. They go through your bicep and while watching the ultrasound guide a needle attached to a very long catheter (empties into your chest) to the vein. The X-ray tech tried my right arm first since I am left handed. Well as luck would have it that vein blew and would not take the needle so she had to put it in the left arm. Twice the pain, lovely. Thursday was pretty quiet and I got out on Friday, however I am not able to resume normal activity and by that I mean go in any public place until I am cleared by the Doctor. I plan on going tomorrow since I am bored out of my mind and have now been off work for a week.

I am very thankful for my husband and parents that sat by my bed and took care of me every possible second. I am also very thankful for those that visited, called, sent cards, flowers, balloons. I realize how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.

The Doctor better clear me tomorrow because tomorrow also starts sex-a-puloza and this is going to be our month!! (See I still am hopeful)

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

So I had my ultrasound and appointment today to see how I responded to the clomid this month. The good is that I did indeed ovulate for sure this month. Which is totally awesome. More good news is that I do not have to take the provera this month and I do not have to go in for 21 day blood work since they found a dosage that tells them if the clomid is working. The bad news is I have to wait it out. They did not do any blood work today to see if I am pregnant this month. The ugly of it all is I started spotting this morning. Now, so far it has been light and I am not sure if it is my period yet or just a little spotting. So again, I have to just wait it out. I scheduled my next ultrasound for October 2nd just in case this is my period but I still have the slightest bit of hope that I am just spotting a little. We will see.

Holy Crap!!!!

Could my luck really be changing and going in the right direction? So, I had my blood work this morning and she only poked me twice this time. They have found a vein in my hand that works well, hurts more but it works. Anyways, the girls know me by now and all said they had a good feeling so they promised me one hour results. So I just called the lab and found out ::drum roll: I ovulated this month!!! I can't believe that it finally happened. This is the first real chance of getting pregnant since we started trying in May 07. Just knowing that I can do this and have a chance. Dan was funny when I told him his response was "Yay, that's great baby, lets hope my guys found the way." I don't have to take the provera now next month. Since I ovulated I will start my period on my own too. Well I am one happy girl right now, this is the best feeling and yes I bawled my eyes out at my desk when I heard the news. I can't wait for my ultrasound next week.

A good feeling

I don't know I am probably jumping the gun here but I have a really positive feeling about this being the cycle for us. I am not sure what makes me think this but I really feel like this is it for us. I am really excited to go and get blood work tomorrow. Usually, I dread this because they have yet to hit my vein on the first or even second try. I am so excited to make the phone call to the lab tomorrow afternoon to hear if I ovulated this month or not. Now, note:: If I did not ovulate I am going to be one Debbie Downer. I just have not felt so sure about anything since I met Dan. Stay tuned for tomorrows post reveling my blood results. If you read this today please say a little prayer and send good thoughts our way.

Hopeful

Well, we are halfway through this months cycle. I have been feeling great. Less emotional than the past couple months which is surprising being my Clomid was increased. I don't know if the routine is just setting in and I have had two unsuccessful months so far so I am not as anxious as to my expectations. I have a really good feeling about the outcome of this cycle. This Thursday I have my blood work to see if I ovulated and then on September 5th I have my ultrasound. Of course we are hoping for good news. Also, some other stresses in our life right now is making it easier to not focus 100% on our trying to conceive issues. We are still trying to figure out where we want to settle, what route of aviation Dan will pursue and what career path I will choose. We have also been trying to deal with some difficult family members.

On another note my already busy life is about to pick up the pace. As of tomorrow I will start working nights at Blair and my classes start on Tuesday. So I will go to class, go work at Williams then go and work at Blair. Dan and I decided that since he has a very busy schedule and I don't get to spend time with him during the week that maybe I should start working part time in the evenings, in effort to pay off credit cards and school loans at a quicker speed. This is a temporary inconvience for a better lifestyle (in the words of my mom) I plan on staying here for a short period of time just to give us a little more wiggle room. By doing this I am able to double my monthly income.

A Big Annoyance

A situation that I encountered recently with a co-worker of mine has left me really annoyed. She is aware of our fertility problems and treatment plan and actually is someone that I would consider a friend. Since I am ducking out for Drs. appts every month I had to mention something to someone in the office. Anyways, she is always asking me if I am pregnant yet. Which a more appropriate question could be; how is everything going, when is your next ob appt. What I am saying is that there are more tactful ways to go about the questions. To me, the are you knocked up question is adding salt to the womb in a sense. Trust me, when I am pregnant everyone will know!!! Last Monday, when I came into my office the co-workers were asking me about the wedding I was in the weekend, one of my very best friend Carrie's. (it really was an amazing, beautiful, perfect day. The love between Brad and Carrie is unreal! I am so happy for you two) My co-worker K asked if I got drunk. I responded that no, I did not get drunk. So of course that prompted her question, "Why, are you pregnant?" (I wanted to say that I am not an alcoholic and don't need to drink to have fun, BTW--the next AA meeting is on such date, maybe you should look into it. I had to bite my tongue) I did however say, "No, I am not and continually asking a girl with fertility problems if she is pregnant is rude and bothersome." She has not talked to me since. Which is fine but really I had to say something. That was my breaking point. This morning I asked her about it and she said she was mad at me because I yelled at her. (She is somewhat of a spoiled brat and very condescending to her loved ones.) I just needed to vent.

Is this going to be it?

Tonight will be my last day on the Provera for this cycle. I think I may have mentioned in my last post that he switched me from taking 1 a day for 5 days and this time taking 2 a day for 5 days. This all in hopes to reduce my period from 14 days to a "normal" week. Lets hope it works. Well other than the double dosage intensifying the side effects (cramps, bloating, emotional train wreck) things have been good. I have high hopes for this cycle to at least ovulate. Lets hope this is going to be our lucky number. 3rd cylce could be a charm?

Keepin on keepin on...

Well, we had my 31 day ultrasound and appointment yesterday and are going to take it month by month I guess. In previous posts I said that we were going to take a break until we knew what was going on with Dan and his job but that isn't the case for this next cycle. While our minds were made up that I was going to go in, do my thing and have my questions answered about stopping and re-starting the meds later on but we got excited by the ultrasound (I will get to that) and have a good feeling about this next month. I blame Dan, (he is hard to say no too) he was not going to go with me yesterday due to working but the weather was crap so he had time free up. As we were in the ultrasound room the tech told us (and the ob later confirmed) that I had a follie on my right ovary and that it looked like I wanted and tried to ovulate this month. Dan's (well both of us) had are hope recharged and we don't want to "lose our chance". If you could have seen the excitement on his face and watch him light up, it was adorable. I truly have wonderful husband and going through this together and sharing these emotions with each other buts my worries at ease. I love you Dan, and thank you for being so supportive and wonderful. So on Sunday he asked me to take a HPT and if it came back (which it will) that we are not pregnant then I am to start the Provera again on Sunday. I talked him out of the blood work that will confirm that I am not pregnant being that every time I have gone in for blood work I am poked anywhere from 3-6 times before they hit the vein, and it makes me queezy. So starting Sunday the process will start again.

As for the questions that I had answered. If we decide that we want to take a break we can, but I still have to take the provera so I can have a period and we can pick up where we left off. So that's good. I asked how many times we have to do the Provera/Clomid combo before we decide that it isn't going to work and we try something else. He said once we reach 250mg of Clomid (3 more cycles including this one) then we would try something else for one cycle then it would be off to Pittsburgh for us. Lets hope that we don't have to go that far.

Needless to say that I am happy with what we learned yesterday and as previously stated my hope has been revamped (for now)

This cycle was a bust

I had my blood work done on Monday to see if I ovulated this month. Guess what, I didn't. My progesterone level went from a .2 to a .38 which yes, is a jump but not a substantial jump at all. So, I go to the OB on Tuesday for my ultrasound and see what he has to say. I have a zillion questions to ask. I need to know what the downfall is to taking a few months off. I am starting to think if I keep taking it then by November I will be ovulating and we will be good to go. I need to see if we can pick up on the next dose in November. I need to see how long I need to not ovulate before I am referred to Pittsburgh. I need to know why I am having 14 day periods on this medication and if that is a factor to why I am not ovulating. The OB that I see this time makes me feel like I am just a number and he is rushing me along which makes me a little nervous, like he won't take his time and go through my questions with me. This whole process sucks. Why is it that people who don't want babies or aren't expecting babies have no problem getting pregnant but people that want this more than anything have to jump hurdles to get there. It doesn't seem fair to me. I try to convince myself that God has a greater plan for us but I am losing hope.

A few months off!?!?!

So, Dan and I have made a decision that we are going to take a break from trying to conceive. (that is if it doesn't work for us this month) We had many long discussions and feel that with our current situation it is in the best interest with everyone involved if we hold off, at least for a few months until we know what we will be doing and where we will be living. If Dan gets into the State Police he will most likely be going February-August of 09 for training which means if we were to get pregnant between now and November he would miss the birth of our first born child. Neither he or I are comfortable with that. We've decided that we will pick up in November and try until he leaves in February. However, we are still going to try this month, I mean we (I) have already taken all of my medication for the month and we are half way through the cycle. I plan on talking to the obgyn when I go July 22 to see if I can pick up where we left off or if we have to start all over again. Although I want to have a baby more than anything I am also looking forward to the break and not being a hormonal, emotional mess. This will all be worth it in the end but the process isn't all that fun.

Life altering decisions

This week has faced me with some life changing decisions. Should I switch careers or not? Yes, my degree is in travel and I am working in my field but I have learned that I am not cut out for this field. I need more of a challenge in life. Right now my hardest decision every day is facebook or myspace. So it has be thinking about my next move. Do I stay where I am and continue school? If I do that do I really want to be a teacher or should I look into other majors. Or, the new opportunity that I am faced with, do I go into the insurance business? Yes, I have a lead on a job getting into the insurance business. Not just any insurance agency, my current employers biggest rival. Do I take this on and burn the bridges with Williams? Am I cut out for insurance? A year from now am I going to be asking myself these same questions?

Then we are also faced with what we want to do about having a baby. If Dan goes to the State Police the academy will most likely start in February and would go to August. If we get pregnant between now and the end of October he will be in the academy for the birth of our baby. However, the start date is not set in stone and he may not go until September he will not know when he is going until 3 weeks before it starts. So it is a gamble. Nobody is saying we will even get pregnant between now and October and with all the trouble we are having do we keep trying and work it out when the time comes or do we wait until November to continue to try? Or do we wait until the academy is behind us? I feel that if anything I rather be pregnant when he is away then have the baby or be raising our baby without him. I know it would really bother Dan if he missed out on the birth or any time with our child. It is a tough call that we need to continue to talk and pray about.

Well that was fun

Went to the Dr. today for my ultrasound. They said everything looked good with my ovaries that the meds didn't destroy them this month so there was no problem in getting the Clomid doubled. I will be taking 100mg this month and still be taking the provera to bring on my period (will start that tonight) He did say that my progesterone level was very low,it was a .2 and needs to be at least a 5 to ovulate. He still made me have blood drawn just to make 100% sure I'm not pregnant. That was not fun at all. I have horrible veins, the girl poked me 3 times then told me to go grab something to eat and drink and come back. I came back after Dan and I grabbed lunch at Leonardo's and a different girl poked 3 times. Yes, 6 holes in one arm. All to confirm the already known. Someday this will all be worth it. So today we start a whole new month of everything. Hopefully this will be our cycle.

Oh the greatest part of this all is running into friends at the gyno that are expecting and they don't have a clue what we are doing there. Of course they think we are pregnant. Oh well.

Discouraged

Well I had blood work done yesterday to see if I ovulated this month. Today the Dr. called and confirmed the worse; No, I did not ovulate this month. I really didn't expect to on the first month but still was hopeful. I hope that upping the dosage will be our ticket next month. Of course I am disappointed and feeling discouraged, it is hard not to be. Next Thursday we still go in for the ultrasound to see how my ovaries took to the meds and get prescriptions for next month. I think this would all set with me a little better if I would at least ovulated even if I did not get pregnant this month. I am so tired of hearing "Your still young, you have time. It will happen when it is suppose to happen." I do believe that everything happens for a reason and God will grant us this blessing in his time but I don't want to hear that right now. It doesn't help or make any of this easier.

Here's to the next cycle...bring on the BIG FAT POSITIVE!!!!!!

Nobody said this would be easy

I know that I am still on my first round of drugs but it can be so frustrating. The more time that passes the more people we find out are expecting. As happy as I want to be (and I really am happy for my friends and family that are expecting) for these people it is so hard. None of these recent pregnancies have been planned babies which makes it even harder. Here we are planning our every month with pills, sex, blood work, ultrasounds and Dr. visits just so we can have a baby and it comes so easy for everyone around us. I know that we are just gearing up for what is to come and eventually someday it will happen but in the meantime I can't help but deal with all of these emotions. It has been a roller coaster of tears and frustration. In a way, this has made the already strong bond with Dan even stronger he has really showed me how supportive and wonderful he is. I can see the disappointment and frustration in his eyes when I am upset and sad, it is kind of a relief knowing that he shares my emotions and that I am not in this alone. He is really cute talking about the future with our children and making plans for us. I know he wants this as bad as I do and he has been so strong for me. Our time will come.

Do Not Disturb

Well after having my period for 14 days it has finally ended. YAY, on to the sex-a-thon, starting tonight.

Bragging Rights

Let me just say my husband really amazes me. I am so proud of him. It has been a pure joy to sit back and watch him accomplish his dreams. Just got word recently that the State Police is interested in him. This is something he has worked for for three years. It would be a great opportunity for him (us). He has been working really hard the past week to meet the standards of the physical fitness test and without a doubt I know he will do great. He is really inspiring to me. It amazes me to watch him set his mind to something and achieve it. The world needs more people as him. He has passed the written and oral tests. On June 17th he has the physical fitness test then the lie detector, medical and physc. evaluations. He's not nuts and has not done anything to lie about so when he gets through the PT test he will be fine (I just know)

Yes, I am starting to blog

I have decided that I am going to start blogging. After reading some blogs of friends and family I thought why not give it a try? I feel that this will help me get some of the issues I have been having lately out of my system. I plan on blogging about the process we have been going through with trying to conceive.

Yes, Dan and I are trying very hard to expand our family by welcoming a baby into our lives. This started out as a very exciting journey for us, one that we can dream about and we didn't think that we would be where we have found ourselves today. They always tell you in high school how easy it is to get pregnant, not that I am condoning teenage sex it isn't by any means as easy as they say it is.

On to our process-- May of 07 we decided that we were ready to get off the pill and take the "not try but not prevent" route. We were going to put into the hands of God and see where that would take us. But as luck would have it I was having trouble getting into a "regular cycle" To back peddle a little bit my body has never seen a "regular cycle" not even while on the pill. I had my period in July, September and November and then not until February. I went in February for my yearly exam and explained what was going on the past year and that we want a baby but I felt like it was impossible with the current 90 day cycle. (Do you know how much $ goes into HPTs when you are waiting to start?) They looked through my history (two ruptured ovarian cysts both ending in surgery) and my irregular cycles and thought the problem could be lack of ovulation. So they told me once my cycle started to come in on day 21 for blood work to see if I had ovulated which the results showed that no, I did not ovulate that cycle. Which brings me to a few weeks ago.

After finding out I don't ovulate on my own Dan and I met with my Dr. to explore our options. He said that we can start with Provera and Clomid, I would have to monitored and they also wanted Dan to give a "sample" although this was not comfortable for him he was a trooper. After we got the results and found that his numbers are all a-OK we could start the meds. The Provera is meant to bring on my period 5-7 days after the last pill and is to be taken for 5 days. After waiting 66 days for my period (pre provera) the provera worked and I got it after being off the pills for 5 days. Once my period came so did the planning.

I started taking Clomid (which is to help me ovulate on my own) on day 5 (Monday May 19th) and I take that for 5 days. On days 12-21 is our "sex-a-thon" Day 21 I go to the lab for blood work to see if I ovulated and on day 30 I go for an ultrasound and to meed with the Dr. We will see if it worked, if not we will up the dose of Clomid.

Lets hope it works!!! :)